This post was originally written in November 2017, the day Rachel and I decided to get a divorce. I didn't want to post it back then but it's been therapeutic to read back through all of my thoughts and feelings now that I'm in a better place.
Jenelle is listening to music.
Sapphire is crying.
Gracelynn is throwing up in the bathroom.
I'm looking up tattoo ideas.
Doesn't seem like a huge day by that description, I guess, but today is the day Rachel and I decided we couldn't live with each other anymore.
Today is the day we were finally honest with each other, if not ourselves, and said “no more”.
Today should be a very sad day, one I wasn't sure would ever come.
Yet here we are. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. We were supposed to grow old together.
But today, I am relieved.
Tomorrow is another day. She will be on her way to St. Louis, to stay with her Mom and care for her.
Tomorrow, the girls will go to school and try not to cry in class.
Tomorrow, I'll be in this big house all by myself, in silence. Silence I so greatly appreciate, will cut like a knife deep into my soul.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I hope it's peace. I've been searching for far too long.
2018 has been a crazy year. We were dealing with the divorce – each in our own way – but we were getting through it. Then, our neighbor stalked us (starting when Rachel left) and killed himself in our front yard. We had to pack up and move literally overnight. That means the girls switched schools – again – and I had to try and figure out how to survive with the trauma from the neighbor event WHILE trying to be mom. I've never been so fucked in the head in my life, yet I still had to be MOM. I still don't know how I did it. My mom helped a lot and the kids were great during the hardest times of our lives. We've been through some shit – being homeless, losing Josephine, and a million things in between… but we have always survived together.
I talked a lot about self care but didn't really understand how to practice it. Though I never got into alcohol or drugs, a lot of my thoughts and actions towards myself were not the best. I got really close to one of my friends who helped me get through it all and I will be forever thankful for him. He saved my life more than once and helped me realize that YES, life is worth living. I always thought my kids would be the reason I would stay alive, but when you're that far gone, your brain doesn't think about reasons to live… just all the reasons to die. I have always seen suicide as a selfish choice, even though I've been suicidal in the past (mostly as a teen). Now, I know that it's not always selfish – sometimes you think you're doing the world a favor by leaving it all behind. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem (or problems!!) and it's never the right answer. My one wish is that everyone who feels the way I did – ready to die, begging to die – can pull themselves out. If not for themselves, for the ones that love them.
I'm glad I am still here.
I can honestly say that 2018 has been the worst/best year of my life… and I'm thankful for all of it. 2019 can only get better.