Even though it’s only a requirement for us to weigh in monthly on the Cinch program, I’ve been posting my progress weekly because it’s a better way to hold myself accountable. I’ve talked about everything from how frustrating it’s been, to how excited I am to start noticing changes in my body, and more. Even though this is just a blog, I feel like I’ve connected with a lot of you – especially along my weight loss journey.
But what I haven’t been telling you guys is that I have an unhealthy obsession.
No, it’s not Twinkies. Or even soda. I am not cheating by sneaking meat into my meals (we are vegetarians). At first, I thought other women might struggle with it as well, but now I’m not really so sure. I didn’t even realize it was an obsession until last week, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m obsessed with the scale. With numbers. With my weight.
And when I weigh myself, it directly affects my mood.
Sounds weird, right? I would wake up in the morning and weigh myself. If I had lost weight, I started the day off on a good foot. I was Happy Sadie!
If I had gained weight, even .1 of a pound, lord have mercy on your soul if you crossed me that day.
I’d drink some water, go pee, etc. And then I’d weigh myself again. Sometimes, the number would be lower. So my bad day would turn into a good day. Most of the time, the number would be higher, and my bad day would turn to a worse day. I was SO crabby.
If I woke up and I had lost weight, it would be a great day! I’d avoid the scale for as long as possible because I knew that as I added food and water to my body for the day, the number on the scale would go up. I usually could only avoid the scale for an hour or two. Sometimes I could hold off until before lunch, if I had tons of willpower saved up for the day.
Lunch time rolls around, and of course I’ve “gained” weight for the day.
What the hell was going on? Of course I gained weight. So then, the bad mood would be even worse… blah. Then, one of two things would happen. I’d either be extra motivated by my “weight gain” to go to the gym, and I’d work out for two hours, nearly killing my body, to try and see a loss – knowing I wouldn’t see a loss, but just hoping, I guess? I don’t know. If that didn’t happen, I’d just lose my motivation to go to the gym completely.
The number on the scale went up, and I just went back to bed.
What’s the point in working out if I’m just going to gain weight? Then, the depression comes on – full force. Weight gain, no gym, just feeling really crappy about myself. By this point, I’ve weighed myself 4 or 5 times since waking up. The numbers always depress me. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes the depression would last all evening, and I’d just be in a pissy mood.
I really feel bad for my partner, Rachel, because she’s had to deal with my mood swings over the last few months, and I didn’t even realize it. She never knew if I was going to be “Happy Sadie” because I had lost half of a pound, or “Pissy Sadie” because I hadn’t. The obsession didn’t really start until I started Cinch. I had been weighing once or twice a day, and losing weight, and was so happy about it! Then, I started Cinch and my healthy weight loss came to a screeching halt. I was devastated. For the first time in my life, I had finally started losing weight, and then when I went to take it to the next level, it stalled.
I wanted to be a part of the Cinch program to lose weight, not gain or stay the same.
After I started talking to some of my #RandomBloggers friends that are in the Cinch group, I realized I was obsessing way too much. I knew I had to put a stop to it but I wasn’t sure how. I tried to cut back and weigh only once a day, but that was a big fat fail. I ended up having Rachel hide the scale from me. Pathetic. I feel so stupid even typing this all out. But I had her hide the scale from me, and I’m on day 2 or 3 – I am trying not to pay attention too much – and I haven’t weighed (because I haven’t had a scale). It’s like a withdrawal though. I’m like “I really need to weigh myself”… but you know what? I don’t need to weigh myself. You know why?
The numbers on the scale do not determine my self-worth!
I am a good person. I am getting healthy. I am getting stronger. And I need to stop giving a shit what the scale says. As long as I am giving 110%, as long as I am working my ass off, that is all I can do!! I can’t DO anything more! If my body isn’t responding, if my weight loss is going slow, that is NOT my fault! I have to stop obsessing over the numbers and just work on endurance, healthy food choices, and getting stronger. My Cinch buddies have really helped me put things into perspective, and being on the Cinch program is such a great opportunity I have realized I need to grab it – not let it slip through my hands.
So, I won’t be posting a weekly update any longer. If I do, you better bitch me out and remind me that I’m NOT supposed to be weighing in! :) And please don’t think I’m crazy for posting this… if you read it all, you’re a trooper, because it’s really long. Sorry about that! Just needed to get it all out there in the open so you guys can hopefully hold me accountable and keep me from obsessing over the numbers. My focus from this point forward is health, and only health.
Giving the scale the virtual middle finger! You can’t control me any longer.
(I was going to take a photo of me flipping the scale off, but.. it’s hidden from me!)