Even though it’s only a requirement for us to weigh in monthly on the Cinch program, I’ve been posting my progress weekly because it’s a better way to hold myself accountable. I’ve talked about everything from how frustrating it’s been, to how excited I am to start noticing changes in my body, and more. Even though this is just a blog, I feel like I’ve connected with a lot of you – especially along my weight loss journey.
But what I haven’t been telling you guys is that I have an unhealthy obsession.
No, it’s not Twinkies. Or even soda. I am not cheating by sneaking meat into my meals (we are vegetarians). At first, I thought other women might struggle with it as well, but now I’m not really so sure. I didn’t even realize it was an obsession until last week, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m obsessed with the scale. With numbers. With my weight.
And when I weigh myself, it directly affects my mood.
Sounds weird, right? I would wake up in the morning and weigh myself. If I had lost weight, I started the day off on a good foot. I was Happy Sadie!
If I had gained weight, even .1 of a pound, lord have mercy on your soul if you crossed me that day.
I’d drink some water, go pee, etc. And then I’d weigh myself again. Sometimes, the number would be lower. So my bad day would turn into a good day. Most of the time, the number would be higher, and my bad day would turn to a worse day. I was SO crabby.
If I woke up and I had lost weight, it would be a great day! I’d avoid the scale for as long as possible because I knew that as I added food and water to my body for the day, the number on the scale would go up. I usually could only avoid the scale for an hour or two. Sometimes I could hold off until before lunch, if I had tons of willpower saved up for the day.
Lunch time rolls around, and of course I’ve “gained” weight for the day.
What the hell was going on? Of course I gained weight. So then, the bad mood would be even worse… blah. Then, one of two things would happen. I’d either be extra motivated by my “weight gain” to go to the gym, and I’d work out for two hours, nearly killing my body, to try and see a loss – knowing I wouldn’t see a loss, but just hoping, I guess? I don’t know. If that didn’t happen, I’d just lose my motivation to go to the gym completely.
The number on the scale went up, and I just went back to bed.
What’s the point in working out if I’m just going to gain weight? Then, the depression comes on – full force. Weight gain, no gym, just feeling really crappy about myself. By this point, I’ve weighed myself 4 or 5 times since waking up. The numbers always depress me. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes the depression would last all evening, and I’d just be in a pissy mood.
I really feel bad for my partner, Rachel, because she’s had to deal with my mood swings over the last few months, and I didn’t even realize it. She never knew if I was going to be “Happy Sadie” because I had lost half of a pound, or “Pissy Sadie” because I hadn’t. The obsession didn’t really start until I started Cinch. I had been weighing once or twice a day, and losing weight, and was so happy about it! Then, I started Cinch and my healthy weight loss came to a screeching halt. I was devastated. For the first time in my life, I had finally started losing weight, and then when I went to take it to the next level, it stalled.
I wanted to be a part of the Cinch program to lose weight, not gain or stay the same.
After I started talking to some of my #RandomBloggers friends that are in the Cinch group, I realized I was obsessing way too much. I knew I had to put a stop to it but I wasn’t sure how. I tried to cut back and weigh only once a day, but that was a big fat fail. I ended up having Rachel hide the scale from me. Pathetic. I feel so stupid even typing this all out. But I had her hide the scale from me, and I’m on day 2 or 3 – I am trying not to pay attention too much – and I haven’t weighed (because I haven’t had a scale). It’s like a withdrawal though. I’m like “I really need to weigh myself”… but you know what? I don’t need to weigh myself. You know why?
The numbers on the scale do not determine my self-worth!
I am a good person. I am getting healthy. I am getting stronger. And I need to stop giving a shit what the scale says. As long as I am giving 110%, as long as I am working my ass off, that is all I can do!! I can’t DO anything more! If my body isn’t responding, if my weight loss is going slow, that is NOT my fault! I have to stop obsessing over the numbers and just work on endurance, healthy food choices, and getting stronger. My Cinch buddies have really helped me put things into perspective, and being on the Cinch program is such a great opportunity I have realized I need to grab it – not let it slip through my hands.
So, I won’t be posting a weekly update any longer. If I do, you better bitch me out and remind me that I’m NOT supposed to be weighing in! :) And please don’t think I’m crazy for posting this… if you read it all, you’re a trooper, because it’s really long. Sorry about that! Just needed to get it all out there in the open so you guys can hopefully hold me accountable and keep me from obsessing over the numbers. My focus from this point forward is health, and only health.
Giving the scale the virtual middle finger! You can’t control me any longer.
(I was going to take a photo of me flipping the scale off, but.. it’s hidden from me!)
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by SlapDashMom
Brooke - So happy that you’re being positive and looking at it as getting healthy. Also, kudos for thinking about Rachel in all of this. I’m sure she appreciates it. We all love you and are cheering for you!
Brooke recently posted..If you give a mom a cookie…
LynnA - Yes your numbers are not a factor of who you are. I have a friend that weighs a specific day of the month at a specific time. She only does it once a month. She raves about it. She says in the meantime she judges on how she is feeling in general as well as how her clothes feel. Be positive it will all work out just fine. And even if you didn’t lose a pound you would still be a wonderful person and that has to be the most important thing. Or else any weight you lose won’t matter.
Jenn - Wow, great post! I tend to obsess about the numbers too. Even though I see my body changing, I get bummed when the numbers don’t seem to budge. Here’s to getting happy and healthy over the next few weeks. Screw the numbers!
Jenn recently posted..Wednesday Weigh In: #Cinchspiration and the Go Green Get Fit Challenge
Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] - It takes a lot to get me on a scale (usually a crane haha) so I’ve become blissfully ignorant of the number. I’m hoping that I’ll start noticing in the way my clothes fit me and how I feel, and stop worrying so much about the actual number.
You are doing a great job, and it takes a really f’ing long time lol. Don’t give up on yourself over what the scale says!! <3
Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] recently posted..An August of Firsts
Cristina Dulin - You can do it! You are going to feel so much better when you are not a slave to the scale. I get on it everyday. But I try not to, because I know that my weight can change during the week. Stay strong and you will feel better in the end.
Cristina Dulin recently posted..Thursday Hottie – Brian White
Meagan P - Sunshine and Sippy Cups - The most important thing is to realize where you’re struggling – that way you can work on it :) So you’re still doing great!!
Meagan P – Sunshine and Sippy Cups recently posted..Bloggertunities: Opportunities & Leads for Women Bloggers 7/19
Tara - I completely understand the obsession! I used to have my husband take the battery out of the scale & hide the battery LOL That’s sad but like you said, that number on the scale doesn’t define me :) Good for you, Sadie!
Tara recently posted..$100 Paypal Cash Giveaway!
Leila - You are NOT the only one with that addiction. I weigh every morning and there are times I weigh at night before bed. I am royally addicted to the scale when doing a weight loss program. Even now that I’m no longer doing Cinch, I still get on the scale every morning to make sure I’m either maintaining or losing (I’ve lost another .5 pounds since quitting so I’m down 9 total!). It really is an unhealthy addiction so good for you for staying off the scale. Now if I can just follow that advice myself…
Leila recently posted..#SeenintheCity with @NoiseGirls: Blogging Babe Package
Heather Beyant - Glad you decided to put away the scale, I will tell you if you are weighing in too much!
Diane @ Philzendia - obsessing over numbers can be really stressful so getting rid of the scale is probably a good idea!
Diane @ Philzendia recently posted..Bagging It Forward For Back To School
Audra - I used to do that too! Unfortunately, the Wii Fit makes me weigh myself daily and when I don’t do it at the same time every day…there is a noticeable fluctuation in my weight. Same time every day is the best way to measure…or week…or month…whichever you can handle. What is Cinch?
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Monique - Go, Sadie! I think you made a very good decision. :)
Monique recently posted..Beauty Blunders & Easy Solutions From A DIY Failure
Janine (Alternative Housewife) - I am the same way. I have backwards thinking, so if my weight goes up I’ll eat like crap whereas if I lose .5 lb I will be diligent about my food intake. I am someone who needs to see those results to keep going. I’ve tried to weigh in only once a week (versus every morning) and it has helped my mood a lot. If I do have a food slip-up, I know that I still have a few days for it to digest and, ahem, exit completely from my system. So it’s easier for me to get back on the wagon.
I will say that eating for the scale has some perks. I try to eat light, so that food in my system won’t tip the scale even temporarily, and *usually* that equates to making smart food choices.
Trying to lose weight sucks, especially when your self-esteem is tied to your weight. Which mine is; they are inseparable BFFs.
Janine (Alternative Housewife) recently posted..Why are people blaming the parents?