How I “Came Out” – My Coming Out Story

national coming out day 2012
A cookie Rachel made for me when we first started dating.

Wow. I wasn't expecting to write this, at all, but I just got a text from my friend – she told me the LGBT Center of St. Louis was asking:

What was it like when you came out to your friends or family? Did you choose the time and place, or was it spontaneous? Was it better or worse than you expected? Did they already know?

It's kind of a sore subject for me, to be honest. I was raised in church – I was even a Sunday School teacher for a few years as a teenager. I was very involved in church, and was always told that homosexuals (fags, dykes, whatever word they chose to use at the moment – but on the pulpit it was “homosexuals”) burn in hell. Even though I knew there was something different about me, I never suspected that it was… that.

Over the years, I tried to have boyfriends. I explained to my mom that I didn't really enjoy being with them… I wasn't really attracted to them… she kept saying “You just need to find the right one”. I thought she was right. She was raised catholic, so she felt the same way about homosexuals as my Pentecostal church did.

I remember one time, I was a teenager but I don't remember how old I was, I was staring at a rather butch lady. I didn't know why I was staring, I was intrigued by her. My mom didn't notice, and said “Oh, look at that dyke”. I didn't even know what a dyke was, but my mom was laughing at her because of how she looked. She would always say “ewwww” if we saw lesbians, but never said anything about gay men.

I knew how “wrong” it was to be gay (says the church), so I never explored any feelings I had. I was never really attracted to women, but definitely intrigued by a certain look some of them had about them.

Enough about that…

In 2008, I met Rachel. Ohhhh Rachel. :) When I walked in and saw her, it seriously.. I swear to you.. was love at first sight. I had never been so attracted to anyone in my life. It wasn't a lustful, sexual attraction. It was just, hard to explain. She was beautiful.

national coming out day story
We met at work in 2008

I was still in church at the time, but didn't think about that. I didn't care. She was an amazing person, inside and out, and we connected right away – on a level I didn't even know was possible. It felt so natural, so perfect. I'm not going to lie, it was weird at first but only because of the looks people would give me when I told them about her. People thought I had gone off the deep end. The church tried to pray some demons out of me (I stopped going shortly after), and my mom refused to talk to me about it.

Yeah, back to my Mom… she wasn't really keen on lesbians and shit, so I knew it was going to be rough. I didn't even tell her about it until I knew for sure that Rachel and I were going to be together. When I told her, she thought I was lying. Then she thought I was doing it to piss her off. Oh, and then she thought it was “a phase”. She refused to meet or acknowledge Rachel. Shortly after, Rachel and I moved in together and I think Mom finally realized I was serious. She backed off a little, and over the past 3 years or so she has finally gotten used to the fact and doesn't say mean things anymore. My mom's best friend's daughter came out around the same time I did, which is hilarious because both she and my mom felt the same way about it. At least they had each other to lean on, right? ;)

The kids loved Rachel from the beginning. They were young, so they weren't confused – they were used to me being a single mom and never had a Dad in the picture, so it wasn't as complex as some situations are. I'm thankful for that, because it was hard enough to leave the church and change my entire life – what I had always thought was what I was going against at this point… so it was rough.

Most of my friends stopped talking to me (they were from the church). Some friends I went to school with in elementary and middle school connected with me on Facebook – and a few of them said they “knew” back then. I was like WHAT?! I didn't even know then! It's interesting to see people that knew about it before I did, though.

I have had my fair share of rants here at Slap Dash Mom about homophobia. These two are my favorites:

Open Letter to the Anti-Gay Home Depot Employee

Disappointed in These Christians – And in PRIDE FEST!

Anyway, I'm rambling now… I just wanted to share some photos of my love – ironically enough today is our anniversary. Well, not our actual anniversary.. but we do celebrate every month we've been together on the 11th. Our 4 year anniversary is January 11th. We are just like any other couple. We've had good times, and even a few bad times, but overall our relationship is amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world. I love her, and I love that there is a COMING OUT DAY… I didn't even realize that until people started PMing me this morning. :)

Random Photos of My Big Gay Happy Family

national coming out day 2012
A cookie Rachel made for me when we first started dating.
national coming out day
We were so cute (and fat! ugh!) together. – 2009
national coming out day
She “gets” me. :)
national coming out day
A spray paint picture she made for me. So talented!
national coming out day
She is a good mom, and a good partner.
national coming out day
I love doing funny photo edits with her face in them. She hates me for it!
national coming out day
We are a couple, but most importantly… we are a FAMILY.

Come out, come out, wherever you are…

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Sadie Roach is a Lifestyle blogger living in Arizona with her wife, Rachel, and their three daughters. Her passions including traveling, attempting healthy living, and teaching women how to work from home so they can spend more time with their kids.

52 COMMENTS

  1. So Beautifully written Sadie!! Congratulations on your Beautiful Family.. <3 P.S. I think the "edited photos of Rachel are hilarious!! :)

  2. What a great story! Thank you so much for sharing :-)

  3. This made me sad, and then made me smile :) I love that you shared your story… It’s funny how similar it is to anyone else’s love story, you know? You met someone, and knew right away that there was something special about them. Your mom disapproves, you decide to be an adult and make your own decisions – which is what our parents raised us to do. And now you raise your family together. So simple – so why do some people try to make it so difficult?

    Love you Sadie – and loved reading this, and hearing more about you! :) Congrats on another anniversary!
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  4. I was used to it at a young age. My cousin came out when I was about 12, I think. Although I’m not lesbian- I don’t see why people throw such hissy fits about it. People have the right to find someone they love- no matter who they are, what gender they are, or what color. The world would definitely be a better place if people would just be happy for others instead of trying to “down” them and make them feel different. My best friend in high school was lesbian and people would give me the weirdest looks.. I never NEVER let them get to me OR her. They think it’s some kind of “disease”, that if you’re lesbian that you’re definitely going to hit on them or something.. I just laugh. People are SO judging. Let’s just see how they feel when their time to be judged happens and see how they like it!!

    I am proud of you for having such a beautiful happy family! At least you found someone who makes you happy. Other people should follow and do what makes them happy instead of pleasing others!

    =) Jess
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  5. I love that your story has such a “happily every after”…I almost said ending, but that seems weird since you are both still alive and together :P It is sad that more people aren’t accepting of others choices to love whomever they wish, but at least your mom came around. Thanks for sharing your stories and photos! :)
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  6. I am truly glad that you found someone who makes you happy, no matter what their gender. I hope one day my kids are equally happy, whether they turn out to be straight, gay or somewhere in between.

    I have had many conversations with my kids about homosexuality and have always stressed acceptance. I told my son not long ago that in the coming years, he may find out that one or more of his friends are gay. HIgh school will be a ‘coming out’ for a lot of teens. I told him that he should be supportive of his friends, no matter what their sexual orientation. I hope he keeps that little lesson in his head if the situation ever arises.

    I wish more parents would teach their children to be openminded about sexual orientation. Our society would be a lot better off and teens (or older) wouldnt have to stress so much about coming out!

  7. Great piece. It makes me sad how much hatred there is in some churches. That’s not what religion is supposed to be about. I am thankful that my parents raised me in such a way that I accept people for who they are. I honestly don’t care who you love/marry and I can’t understand why anyone would. Glad you made it through the rejection and lack of acceptance. You’re clearly one happy family now and that is great to see! :)
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  8. Beautiful story! I”m straight but no one should ever be ashamed of who they are! You have a beautiful family! I get in ALOT of arguments with people over gay marriage. I support it 500%! I would rather two people love each other and be happy, regardless of their sex..Thank you for sharing this!

  9. I know what you mean about walking in and just feeling that connection. That’s how I felt about Matthew. And I see where your friends are coming from as well, with the knowing. When friends of mine that are homosexual come out to me, I laugh and be like “FINALLY!”…..maybe the gaydar is strong with me, IDK. But you guys are a beautiful couple and beautiful family. I remember the first time I saw a picture of Rachel…I thought “holy hell, she’s hot!” lol. Here’s to almost 5 years…..and many, many, MANY more!

  10. Sadie, in the short time I have known you, you’ve opened my eyes to a lot of things. I was always what I called “OK with gay marriage” but now I am “FOR gay marriage”. Big difference in my eyes. I love the stories you share about you and Rachel. I love when you put things up like the edited pictures & says she hates them LOL It reminds me SO MUCH of me and my husband, Daniel and it makes me laugh so hard. It just shows that you guys ARE a normal, “regular” (whatever *that* means) family! I also love how you describe how you felt when you first met Rachel, that is really beautiful!
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  11. I loved your story! I am so glad to hear you are happy and that you discovered the person you were meant to be with. I too was raised in church and was taught being a lesbian, homosexual, or bisexual was wrong. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I started to accept my sexual orientation. I know that sounds silly, but I had always been attracted to both women and men. My husband accepted it long before I did, because I thought it was wrong and I was supposed to just ignore that part of myself. It was my husband who finally made me see it was part of me and that I needed to accept it. I had one experience in my teens and another as an adult. It was then that I started to accept that I was indeed bisexual. I have never told my family and I probably will never tell them, but accepting this part of myself and learning to love myself was an important part of my journey. I love my husband even more for making me see that it was okay. He accepts me just the way I am and his love has seen me through. I am so thankful for him and his acceptance. I guess I am not as brave as you since I have no plans to come out to my family. But I am very happy and can’t imagine my life being different. I have taught my sons to be accepting of others, because I believe we are wonderfully made and that we don’t have a choice about things like our sexual orientation. My sons have tolerance and acceptance for all people and for that I am proud!

  12. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

    On a totally OT trend, the spray paint picture that Rachel did for you is FANTABULOUS. I want one. I love watching people create the art like that on sidewalks during festivals.

  13. I am such a sucker for a romantic love story. You are Blessed, as many never experience true love as depicted in your photos. Thanks for sharing and best wishes to your ‘perfect’ family. Here’s to your happily ever after!

  14. What a beautiful post. I also noticed that someone else looked at Rachel’s pictures and thought she was hot, I did too, back when we were on CM! lol I love you guys as friends, and I’ve come a long way from the person I was when I was a kid. When I went to church and learned hate. Isn’t that sad? Going to a place where you expect to find love and acceptance, and instead find nothing but raw hatred? I wish these people would get it together and STOP preaching hate.
    Happy “anniversary”! And let’s hope that SOON, we can be wishing you a CONGRATS on your MARRIAGE! :) <3
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  15. I enjoy reading “coming out” stories… especially ones with happy endings. I am glad that your mom has come around. We have discussed several times (hubby and I or the kids and I) what would happen if one of the kids were to “come out” when they were older. I am happy to say that hubby is with me on the same page that we would be very accepting so long as our kids are happy! :)
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  16. Loved your story! I think it’s sad that people can’t deal with the fact that some people are straight, some are gay, and others are bi. Its been that way since the dawn of time. I remember the ridicule my family went through when my brother’s marriage was broken off. A few days before the wedding she came out and admitted to my brother she couldn’t do it – she only agreed to marry him because it was her best friend and her family thought have a family would ‘get her out of the phase’. She was brought up as a strict catholic girl.

    My brother was of course heartbroken, but he accepted it, and they are still best friend to this day. He said he never saw her happier as they day she married her wife :) All of their friends though and especially his had nothing to do with either of them, and called my brother every name in the sun for supporting a ‘fag’ who stood him up on the alter. Its sad people just can’t accept love :(
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  17. You’re awesome! And i never knew back then about you. But then like now I try not to generalize people. Unless they’re bitches, which you weren’t. Rachel is one lucky, beautifully in love woman. You both are!

  18. I watched my brother jump through all these hoops and have such a hard time because people are SO intolerant… It’s disgusting. As a mom… as a human being… I want to see my kids happy, healthy, loving and being loved. Period. Who cares what sort of plumbing the person has. ARGH… don’t get me started.
    You look happy, your kids look happy and your words are a beautiful love story. That should be all that matters.
    You’re so awesome… and brave. You’re a good example for you’re girls!
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  19. Beautiful story! Happy that you’re mom is starting to give in. I have a nephew who came out last year. We kinda all knew when he was younger & was very nervous for him to come out to my brother (ex Marine) Thankfully he took it well.

  20. I’m glad you did take time to share your story, it’s sad that you had such a difficult time but I’m really pleased that you are so happy it makes it all worth it. Happy Anniversary. xx

  21. Sadie, thanks so much for sharing your story. I can only imagine how hard it was to come out to your family. My family has much of the same views, and even though I am not gay it breaks my heart. Love is love! If my 9 year old daughter can understand we ought to be able to love whom we love, then why can’t grown adults. I applaud you, and love reading about your family!
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  22. Holy Shit Lady (and I mean that in the most respectful of ways), I am kicking myself in the ass for never coming to your site before. You rock is so many ways and this piece has helped define your personality to me. Thank you. I be coming back to see what else you have to say.

  23. You have such a beautiful family. Thank you for sharing <3

  24. I hate how people judge others and use Christianity to hide behind. As Christians we are supposed love and accept others, regardless. It is sad that people couldn’t just accept you regardless of their beliefs. Have they forgotten the part of the bible “let he with no sins cast the first stone.”
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  25. OH Sadie, I LOVE this story! I think it’s awesome that Rachel was your first and last love. I laughed out loud when you said that your mom’s best friend’s daughter came out at the same time. HILARIOUS! You’re an inspiration in so many ways, but mainly because you are a constant reminder to be happy with WHO YOU ARE. XO
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  26. You all look and sound so happy together and THAT is what MATTERS! I just hope your girls have an easier time in school then my brother and myself did. My moms (no, I don’t just type that in comments on your posts and other places out of bad English, I really do have two momS). Through out middle school it was very difficult for me, I was bullied and then began denying it and calling Amy, my mom’s partner, my mom’s “roommate”. That didn’t end the bullying and I became a bully myself to defend against the shit I was getting for having “gay” moms. My little brother was physically bullied and even now in his school he still is. He now attends an LGBT high school, which no is not just for LGBT students, but for “different”, but straight students, students with gay parents that sort of thing. He’s not bullied so much by the students, but it’s in the super bad area of town so he was jumped earlier this year after walking two female friends of his to the bus stop. He protected them, but then got jumped by 5 students from a neighboring school. Anyways, my grandma and your mom sound a lot alike. My mom was engaged to a man, but broke it off. Even after denying and hating my mom’s partner Amy due to the bullying and what not we now all have a very strong relationship. I think I’m rambling, but you get the point. ;) Thank you for sharing!!

    • I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and your little brother too. :( So far my girls haven’t experienced much bullying because of it, but I know things change in middle and high school. <3

  27. Very Beautifully written. Congratulations on coming out. I know that sounds weird, but I truly know how hard it is. Especially with a non-supportive mom. I came out about 4 years ago, after almost marrying a man and having a son, and it was a complete shocker to my entire family. it was not well-received, and my mom and I had a very strained relationship for a long while because of it. Their judgments also came from very strong beliefs in the church as well… but one of my mom’s very close friends also has a gay son, so I think that helped a little bit. (um, our stories are a little similar yeah?)
    Well, I just wanted to say congratulations – it takes a lot of strength. You have a beautiful family to be proud of!
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  28. I am so sorry it was so rough for you to come out! I hope that one day, the world will be more accepting of lesbians and gay men. I think that people just don’t understand, or want to understand. Your family is gorgeous!

  29. What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. It touched my heart. It is such a shame you had to go through so many struggles. I wish you all the very best. What a beautiful family.

  30. Awww, Y’all are too cute :) As always, thanks for another entertaining post – LOVE the bath pic lol!

  31. I am glad you guys are so happy. It means the world to me that you guys are happy. I feel bad for those who can’t accept the gay and lesbian community. I am glad you guys have the gay pride parade. You guys continue doing what you are doing. You are doing great and have a wonderful family. I am in support of you guys and will not be a reason for suicide statistics for the gay and lesbian community. There are people out there who commit suicide because they are not accepted but I will not be one to send gays and lesbians to their suicides. If you are gay or lesbian, you are gay or lesbian, it is your life, live how you want to live. I am in support of you guys.

  32. I love these kinds of stories. I just don’t know why anyone has any issue of the gender of who someone loves. Can’t we just be happy for our friends and family member because they found love and are authentic about their lives. My sister came out after divorcing her husband and I can hardly believe the difference, when she found true love and started acting authentically. She fought her attraction to women for so long; it’s great to have the real person back, rather than someone who was so confused — and confusing.

  33. My story though similar in many ways is also semi different.
    I was not raised in the church would be my only difference. I was 13 when I first told my mom I was never getting married or having kids. I dated a few guys in high school but never slept with any of them in the full context of the terms as ” it did nothing for me” my mom would tell me that eventually I would ” find the right guy. At the age of 19 my now ex flew from one province to the other to be with me. I was with him for almost 8 years but still it didn’t feel right. By the 5th year we moved to another town and 2 weeks after being there I met the love of my life. By this point I was out to my family and friends as being bi. My mom said it was a phase, I would get over it. But I never did. I got to know my wife during the following few years with a hiatus for 2 of them. Then one day I had had enough. I packed up all of my things without notice and left my ex to be with my now wife. And I wouldn’t change things for the world.

    It took my mother and step father 6 months to meet her and about a year to fully accept her. Though they did not find out from me but from someone else thanks to living in a small town. Now we have been together for 8 years and my parents love her to pieces. My step dad takes her fishing. My mom takes her shopping. They even now say they have 4 daughters :D… My real father and my step mother accepted her the day they met her. My father told me the day he met her that he had known since I was 8 years old that I was gay. All I could say to him was and you couldn’t tell me it was ok?

    Most of my friends have said they knew as well. To me though I was 27 when her and I got together and I fully came out… October 1st 2004

  34. awwwwwwwww so that’s why your such a christian hater.

    You grew up in the completely wrong denomination, girl!

    They are really not all like that, seriously. Jesus is all about love and treating each other with dignity and respect. Homosexuality is fine as long as it’s done out of love! But I suppose it lies all in how you were raised. My religious experience was different. I still vividly remember my brother being baptized 16 years ago and rather than having a godmother and godfather, he had two godfathers. Mike and his life partner, Mike. It was all cool.

    Anyways, I’m sorry you didn’t have the support you deserved when coming out. But I’m so glad, you didn’t let what others thought of your actions come between you and the love of your life. You two seem great together :)

  35. I love how open & unapologetic you are. I cannot believe I haven’t read this post before. You and Rach are definitely made for each other & I’m glad that you’ve found your perfect way.

  36. Thanks for sharing your story! I have a very similar story. When I met Cassandra I felt instantly drawn to her, I had never wanted to date a girl before, but there was something about her that just sucked me in. I also grew up in church and even went to Bible college, so I experienced losing friends, getting lectured and hearing “it’s just a phase.” Cass and I are about to celebrate our 4 year anniversary and have started a family together! I can’t imagine my life any other way.
    I’m so happy for the two of you and your girls! You seem like a very happy little family!
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    • Thank you for sharing your story! So sweet!!

  37. I love your beautiful love story. I can see that you have a happy and healthy family and I love all of your stories about them. I’m sorry for what you needed to go through, especially in terms of SELF acceptance. I am hoping that we are raising a generation who won’t have to feel that they are “different” or “wrong” for being who they are.
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