I was raised in church. I was baptized at 9. I was singing in front of the church by 12. I was a Sunday School teacher at the age of 14. I knew God. I loved God. I was on fire for God, and everyone knew it. I was a self-proclaimed Jesus freak. I loved it! I told everyone about my faith and if they didn’t like it, I didn’t really care… I wanted everyone to know about Jesus. I studied the Bible daily. I loved reading it and by age 15 I had read the entire Bible cover to cover.
Now it’s 2012, and I don’t believe in god anymore.
There, I said it.
Okay.
Woosah.
If you’re still reading, thank you for sticking around. For those of you that know me on a personal level, you already knew this fact even if I never came right out and said it to you. But it’s still hard to type to the world… to anyone who stops by my blog… to family that may not have noticed this fact about me.
So here goes nothin’.
Fast forward a few years from my Jesus freak days. I got married at a very young age (to a total douchebag, just for the record), and moved out of my mom’s house. My marriage failed quickly – if you can call it that. We never had a chance to begin with, to be honest. I was in a relationship with someone new by age 18. I never bounced from guy to guy, I just got in relationships and stayed for a while. I was never happy. It wasn’t really their fault, or my fault… it just wasn’t meant to be. I kept trying to find the perfect relationship. The one where I could get married and have the white picket fence, the one where I could be proud to take my boyfriend to church. Even though the churchgoers weren’t the nicest people, I craved their approval. I needed their blessing.
That relationship never came, and it caused great turmoil in the few relationships that I did have. I started to rethink things after a third failed relationship by the age of 20. What was I doing wrong? What were they doing wrong? Why didn’t I ever enjoy being with these guys? What was wrong with me?
I swore off relationships all together at this point, and just decided to be single for.. well, forever. I was really involved in church and didn’t have time for a man anyway, and obviously I sucked at picking good ones (even when I found them in church!), so it was pointless to try again. I was single for a while, and loved it. I noticed I didn’t even look at men.. never talked or flirted with them.. I was content. I thought maybe I was born to be a Nun or something.
I met Rachel when I was 23. When she walked in the room, I lit up. I was just in awe of her. I could tell right away that she was a great person… someone I’d like to be around more often. Even though I was 23, I felt like the uncool kid trying to get the cheerleader to talk to me in high school or something (even though Rachel is nothing close to a cheerleader type LOL). It was weird. I started talking to my best friend (Pam) about Rachel all the time. Pam started teasing me, saying I liked Rachel. Liked her, in a romantic sense. I wouldn’t hear any of it! I even got mad at Pam about it. Homosexuals burn in hell. How dare you tell me I’m attracted to a woman. Disgusting.
I started talking to Rachel a bit, and we exchanged numbers. I was very shy so I think my friend actually exchanged our numbers for us. Sad, right? :) Anyway, I had never called her and she had never called me. We texted a few times, about work, here and there, but that was it. One night I was driving home from work and I heard about a car accident on the radio. It was at the exit Rachel would have been getting off at around that time. Without even thinking, I picked up my phone and called her. I was hysterical – I had a panic attack and had to pull over. I had no idea why, it didn’t make sense, I barely knew this girl! When I heard her voice, everything was fine. I could breathe again. She was right behind the accident. If she had left work even 10 seconds earlier, she would’ve been the one dead on the pavement that night.
I tried to talk to Rachel about God (she didn’t want to hear it, as she had also had bad experiences with church members). She could have died that night! I found out she was an Atheist (or agnostic? I wasn’t hip on the terms at that time), and was just crushed. Why does it matter what religion she is? What the hell is going on with me?
Then reality hit me.
I was in love with Rachel.
I had fallen.. in love.. with a woman. Honestly, I’m not even sure if reality hit me at that point. I don’t know when it hit me. It all happened so fast. All I knew was that I loved her and couldn’t live without her. I wanted to be with her all the time. I introduced my kids to her almost immediately, which I had never done with anyone else in the past. I trusted her 100% from the first day I met her.
Anyway, enough of the mushy crap. ;) I tried to get Rachel to go to church. She didn’t want to. I pushed it, just because I was so on fire for God I wanted to share the awesome message with her! I found a new church (one that seemed very welcoming of everyone – unlike the other churches I had been to) and was excited about it. Now don’t get me wrong, God and I had our differences from time to time over the years, but I always believed. Always. I continued to go to church even after Rachel and I got together. I felt like a hypocrite when I told people I was a Christian, because I was also with a woman. I’m not sure if I identified as a lesbian at that point, but over the last few years I’ve done a lot of soul searching and have realized I’ve always been this way. It explains so much. It’s crazy.
So Rachel and I moved in together, and soon after, I stopped going to church. I had been so fed up with the way Christians had treated me, for so long… not just over the lesbian issue but in the past I was always judged – for my choices, for my mistakes, for everything. I hid my head in the sand and ignored all the hateful comments, the stares, the judgments. I tried my hardest, anyway. Lots of times I would stop going to church because the people there were just so damn mean to those that weren’t “perfect” (yet the Bible says nobody is perfect).
Even when I didn’t go to church, I kept my faith in God.
That faith is now gone. It’s been gone for a while, probably 2 years or more. I still haven’t discovered my own path, but I will say this… if a religion (or religious book) says I am going to hell because of who I love, because of how I was born, I don’t want anything to do with it. That’s not the only reason I no longer believe, but it’s one of them.
This post was actually started to promote my newest Squidoo lens. This post was originally titled “When Non-Christians Talk About God” and then I was going to talk about how awesome my new Squidoo lens is, and how it was a challenge for me to write it but how I feel confident in it because I used to be so connected.. to the Bible, to my idea of God. It took a turn when I started talking about my life, about how I grew up in church and how I met Rachel. Not sure how I got so off track, but I kinda poured my heart out here so it’s staying. :)
I just started working with a mentor this week and her task for me was to “challenge myself” in my writing. I write about a wide variety of subjects, nothing is ever off limits for me, but I tend to get bored when I write about the same things over and over. So when I started thinking about how I could challenge myself, religion popped into my head. It’s a controversial subject, it’s one I don’t like talking about, and it would be a challenge for me to write about it. I didn’t want to offend anyone, so I didn’t want to write about how I dislike religion.. or how I strayed from religion. Who would want to read that, anyway? So I ended up writing about inspirational Bible verses, songs, stories, and quotes. These are all things that have helped me in the past, so I wanted to pass them on to others who may be looking for a bit of spiritual inspiration themselves.
So, without further ado, here is my newest Squidoo lens that I’d love comments on:
100 Best Inspirational Bible Verses, Stories, Songs, and Quotes
I hope this lens (and post) will help you in some way. Whether it’s giving you inspiration when you’re down, giving you the strength to look into other faiths, or maybe it will just help someone look at themselves in the mirror when they’re acting like an asshole.. who knows. I just hope it helps. :)
Please feel free to leave me a comment and let me know what you think of this post.
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by SlapDashMom
Jacqui Odell - I went to church all the time growing up. I always went on my own, because my family never went with me. Never understood why, but fast forward to now. I hardly ever go. Sundays are the only day that I get to truly spend the day with my family. I am a firm believer that you don’t have to go to church to believe in God. My family and I don’t go to church, but we are very much believers.
Jacqui Odell recently posted..Original Sprout Review
Brooke - Wow Sadie, this one was rather touching. I’m happy you finally found Rachel and realized that it was okay to feel that way about her! :)
Brooke recently posted..Momma Has Ink
Kallie Greenly - I’m sorry that “Christians” made you feel that way. It probably won’t help to say this, but we’re not all like that. The Bible says that we are all born sinners, and all sin is equal.
I am glad that you found someone to love. Being loved and loving someone in return is far more important than the approval of people.
Kallie Greenly recently posted..Why are tattoos still taboo?
Nicoyle Simmons - I can only remember going to church twice in my life when I was younger. I am one who feels that someone doesn’t need a church to believe in what you want to believe. There isn’t a right or wrong in what you believe. It’s a great thing that you are finding yourself and have someone who is loving and supporting you.
Nicoyle Simmons recently posted..Neighbor Drama
SlapDashMom - I have quite a few friends that are christians, so I do realize that, but I am actually happy that my life took me in this direction. I don’t have the fear of “doing something wrong” and pissing god off anymore. It’s nice.
Courtney - So – as I explained on your post asking for inspirational verses the other day, I am a very, very, very new Christian. I’m 75% done with the New Testament and haven’t even delved into the Old – but I can say this. This is the first time in my life that I pray, that I read the Bible, meditate and (intelligently) debate the Bible with others. And I can tell you this: although I never have personally encountered Christians like ones I hear about (probably only because I’ve never been around any devout Christians of any denomenation period) -becoming a Christian and learning the faith has left me convinced that 90% of Christians and churches are not Christian, and it actually upsets and offends me when I hear about them because my interpretation of what I’ve read so far is so beautiful and uplifting that I am hurt that the majority of people exploit and defile it.
Here’s my take: I am, first and foremost a CHRIST follower, hence why I am a CHRIST-ian. CHRIST healed people, he “came for the sick, not for the righteous”, he ATE with and cared for those who were considered the lowest of the low in that society, he preached love above all, and peace above all. Christ did not preach against abortion, or homosexuality, or prayer in school. Christ concentrated on what we SHOULD be doing (loving people, serving people, etc), more than giving us a laundry list of what we can’t do. Christ did not come for America. “God bless America” is not in the Bible. Christ did not tell us to overtake our government and create a theocracy – when he comes back HE will be the ruler. He did not stand on street corners shouting at sinners – he sat with them, he gave them hope, he healed them. The more I read the Bible – the more infuriated I am with “Christians” who focus on sin, or Christians who are more concerned with building CHURCHES in poor villages rather than schools/orphanages/medical clinics. I am offended by mega-churches – churches with stadium seating and state of the art sound systems – God does not dwell in temples built with human hands – but in human HEARTS. He didn’t create CHURCHES, he created HUMANS to be His “churches”
Anyway – back to the post – I’m sorry that people’s exploitation of a religion that tells us to love one another above all made you feel judged, hated, etc. I truly believe that you can be a Christian without belonging to a church, or even setting foot in one. The same people who are judging you, will be judged themselves and NOT ONE is without sin.
But I’m sure you know this, lol. And if Christianity is not for you, it’s not for you – and no judgement from me. Either way, I think “love your neighbor as your self” is a good rule of thumb to live by in any religion :)
Also – let me suggest reading about Quakers (you CAN be a non-denomenational Quaker, i.e. you can be Quaker without being Christian) and Redletterchristians.org – I am not trying to sell you on Jesus, I just find both philosohpies to be nearly perfect to live by, even if you take the “Jesus” out of it.
Good luck in finding your way!
diane - I have many faith issues myself. I take my kids to church, tell them what the bible says, what Christianity says we should believe…and then tell them what *I* believe (or don’t believe…)
My belief is summarized as ‘I think there is something greater than us out there. After that, I am open to suggestions”
I do not think anyone will go to hell for who they choose to love. Now, HATE…that might get you into hell but LOVE, nope..just don’t think so.
Leila - I like to say that I am spiritual. I believe in a Higher Power and I choose to call my Higher Power by the name of God. It is my choice. I do not, however, believe in hell or the devil. I believe that everything has a reason (although we may not always be privy to that reason). I do not believe the judgmental BS. I do not agree with organized religion either. I do have faith in my Higher Power though! :)
PS: Great post!!!
Leila recently posted..Please Bear With Me
Diane N - Philzendia - Great post Sadie! While I don’t go to church very often, I do go every now and then because I do believe there is a higher power. Religion is a very funny thing. There are a lot of people out there who claim to be Christian but who do not act like a Christian should act. They hate, they cheat, they lie, they steal, etc…. So Yes, I believe in a higher power, but I tread cautiously around the bible thumpers.
Diane N – Philzendia recently posted..I’ve Joined the Claritin Mom Crew
Monique - I was also raised in the church, I was baptized Catholic twice, and believed in God, Jesus and all of the above – no one could discourage my faith and my beliefs.
Until one day in the 8th grade, some particularly horrible classmate stopped me in the lunch room, in front of A LOT of other students and classmates, told me that she saw me and my mother at the supermarket the day before. She said she saw my mother holding hands with her lover at the time, and then she asked me if I believed in God. When I told her that I did, she told me that God was going to make my mother burn in hell for being a ‘dyke’. And that set me on a different path, I researched religions for many years, I embraced Paganism for 10 years until I could no longer deny that I just didn’t believe in anything intangible.
It’s a tough road, faith is hard to keep. I really enjoyed this entry, and your honesty. :)
Monique recently posted..I LovaLova OvaOva!
SlapDashMom - Monique, that makes me so sad. :( I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I am always really worried about the girls having to deal with hateful people because of me being so “out” about my relationship. :( *HUGS* Glad you found your path.
Jen - Life With Levi - I understand your frustration with church, but turning away from God is what I’m struggling with. Why let other people affect your relationship with Him?
Either way, I love you. For you. As you. Just you. Yep, that’s about it :)
Jen – Life With Levi recently posted..Is It Ok To Use Sex To Get Your Way?
Debi@ The Spring Mount 6 Pack - I never talk about faith with people except in very general terms. I am a very live and let live kind of person and say what ever makes someone happy in every aspect of life. It is a very touching story about you and Rachael.
Debi@ The Spring Mount 6 Pack recently posted..Download Games for Free at I-Play
SlapDashMom - I’m not sure I even believe “he” exists at this point. I mean, I know there has to be SOMETHING else out there.. but I don’t believe in the god of the bible, if that makes sense.
robyn - I believe there is something more than this but what that is depends on each person. It is what you need it to be.
robyn recently posted..Ramblings of a MUA
Have Sippy Will Travel Mommy Blogger - I think God loves love :)
Have Sippy Will Travel Mommy Blogger recently posted..Please Vote for Me to be the Next Travel Blogger for #WynWomen
Melissa - Thanks for sharing this post – I’ve fallen in and out lots of times in my life, it’s so hard. Love the quotes and verses post!
Melissa recently posted..Review: John Grisham’s Calico Joe
Aly - I think because Religion has become so man-made these days it causes a lot of people to question God’s existence. I disagree with a lot of things in my own religion, but I still 100% believe in God, the Almighty creator of the Universe and beyond. I’ve strayed from my religion over the years. I haven’t prayed in so long, but I still believe God exists. It’s hard for me to imagine that He doesn’t. When I see the creations of this world and look up at the sky at night, it’s hard to believe that He’s not there. I can feel His presence.
I’m sorry you had to go through such a hard time with finding yourself. I don’t think people should ever judge you for loving someone- even if it’s someone of the same sex. Love is love. Your story was really touching and I hope you have a lot more good in your life to replace all the bad thats happened. People can be so mean :/
Aly recently posted..Baby Etiquette Tips to Prevent RSV
Theresa Suttles - Sadie,
I’m so sorry you have had such a bad experience with Christians. I’m a Christian, and I will tell you that some of the meanest, most hateful people I’ve ever met, are, or claim to be Christians. Claiming to be a Christian doesn’t make you one, though. In fact, I believe that a good number of people in our churches, who claim to be, are not. These are the people who think they are “earning” their way to heaven by trying to be perfect, but that’s just not what the Bible says.
My two oldest kids, like you, were strong Christian teens. Then because of the judgmental attitudes of several of the people in the church we went to, they have completely walked away. My son is atheist, and my daughter isn’t interested. It breaks my heart. We no longer go to that church. We are now in a church where the majority of the people really love the Lord, and their lives show it. Christianity is about letting Christ direct your life, and loving others as He does-not following a big list of rules. I tried to help my kids see that-they were already too hurt.
I am very thankful that God doesn’t strike us dead for sin. I would be in big trouble if He did. And so would these judgmental people who have hurt you and my children, and many others like you.
Theresa Suttles recently posted..The Parades at Disneyworld
monique - Just an FYI. I’m one of the rare people who absolutely, wholeheartedly believes that the Bible doesn’t condemn homosexuality. And, coincidentally, there’s an uproar of sorts going on right now because a new Bible came out which put gender back into the translations, and this version only mentions male homosexuality as a “sin”. Very interesting. so I think you can both be a “good Christian” and be a lesbian at the same time.
Plus, I believe that a sin is a sin is a sin – in that God doesn’t differentiate between them, so your “sin” is no different than any sin I may commit – telling a lie, drinking, etc.
Thanks for sharing and on to Squidoo, which I don’t even know what it is. LOL!
monique recently posted..#review and #giveaway of exergen thermometer
SlapDashMom - Monique, when I still believed I thought the same way.. someone actually told me that homosexuality wasn’t even a word in the first language the bible was written in.. I don’t remember the details but basically along the way someone just threw homosexuality in there instead of the other word and it stuck. I would like to know what the original text said, and what it meant, instead of reading the texts we have around today, ya know?
I also agree that sin is sin is sin.. however, I don’t think that loving someone should be a sin because that would mean I’m living in sin every second of every day and what’s the point? You’re supposed to repent for your sins. I refuse to repent for loving my girlfriend. Obviously that isn’t the only issue I have with the religion, but it’s a big one.
Thanks for stopping by, by the way. I appreciate it. :)
SlapDashMom - Thanks, Theresa. I wonder how many more have strayed from their belief in god because of “christians”?
Sharon - Hey Sadie,
Though I don’t personally share your views I wanted to comment on 2 things…..
1 – Kudos for your willingness to be so honest in a blog. That takes something inside you that most bloggers (including me) are hesitant to share.
2 – Congratulations on doing what most of us bloggers only dream about – You have made me people think and actually respond! Lol. I have to say I have thought about your post all morning trying to decide what to say in a comment. I would venture a guess that I have never once in my entire blogging career ever made me people think about a post longer than it takes for them to skim the article. So wow! Note to blogging self: “When you take on controversial topics – you get noticed. :-) ” You should add that in your next book you offer! :-)
Thanks for being a blogging friend and sharing your expertise with us!!
SlapDashMom - Thanks, Sharon. :) I didn’t realize how SUPER VERY ULTRA long this post was until it was too late.. so I just published it and figured maybe someone would see it. :) My controversial posts have always been my most visited ones though. People love controversy! lol Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.
Grace - You know Sadie I think most of us have been a some point where we think we don’t believe in God anymore. I found what was true for myself. I soon discovered that I never stopped believing in God I stopped believing what I was taught God and how he/she was interpreted by as others saw him/her as being. My belief of God (if that is the name you want to call this divinity) is that He/She is a lot bigger than anyone can imagine. That he/she only views us through eyes of love. He does not see man/woman only child and one that belongs to him/her. Similar to how we view our children. People only care how someone lives their life. The universal deity only sees how one lives it through love. When I honestly started believing in that last theory was when I connected with the source completely.
Grace recently posted..G!veAway For My Little Pony Friendship Express Train and “The Friendship Express” DVD
Theresa Suttles - A lot from my understanding. I rarely order DVD’s, but I ordered one a couple weeks ago called “Beware of Christians”. It was really good-about a group of young Christian men going on a journey to see if what they have always learned about God was true, or just tradition passed down from man to man. At the beginning, it said some thing to the effect of “Most atheism is caused by Christians.” Sad that it’s probably true. But you know, people aren’t perfect, and we will all eventually do something, intentionally or not, to hurt someone else very deeply. I really hope I’ve never caused anyone that kind of pain :-(
Theresa Suttles recently posted..The Parades at Disneyworld
Tina B - I am right there with you. I went back to my old church several times after I moved out of my parent’s house. It seemed like many members had just turned on me and judged everything about me. My tattoo (a tribute to my Mother who had passed on), all my earrings, my tongue ring, everything. They picked me apart from head to toe. It was insane! They judged me for living with my boyfriend at the time when we weren’t married.
I now reserve my church-going for weddings, funerals or something where I don’t have to speak to the pastor. I have given up on faith for the moment. I will probably find my way back eventually but for now, it suits me to find my own way.
Thank you for sharing your story though. I hope it helps a certain family member of mine who is having a little trouble embracing who she is..
Tina B recently posted.."A Complete Personality 180": Is It Real or Were You Duped?
Ashly - Its terrible to hear that you went through such nonsense from other Christians :( I am true believer and although not as religious and more spiritual, never have reading the bible (just bits and pieces), etc etc etc. But I came face to face with an actual demon living in my apartment with my family and started doing research (which I am still doing) and came to find, God is actually here for me in obvious ways he has made to me. I do not believe you should be judged by whom you love or what your religious stand is. It is wonderful to see someone so happy no matter what though. I’ve been down my own walks of life, so I don’t judge or preach to anyone that doesn’t want to listen. :) BTW found you on Cafemom, now I just have to figure out how to follow this haha
Christine T - Sadie, I told you I would take a raincheck on commenting, and I am back to do so :)
I am sorry you went through so much from other Christians. I had my own little battle with a church I went to and loved so much for a long time. It was very personal for me, so I don’t honestly want to share it on a public forum, but if you want to message me about it, you can on facebook or CM. I bring this up because I just wanted you to know that I can relate to the judgement many churches offer.
I am sure you are aware of this, but many Christians will not judge you. I for one, won’t. I actually struggle with many things in the bible-homosexuality being one. I know it says it is a sin, but I just have a hard time with two people loving each other being sinful. I am truly happy you have this love in your life. I myself struggled with relationships in the past before meeting my husband and I swore off reltionships and happiness and marriage before meeting him. It was just like how you described when you met Rachael. He suddenly lit up the room. Only, I had been hurt so many times, I tried to shut out that light. Good thing he is a pushy butthead, who teetered on stalker at one point or I might not be with him still 5 years later :)
Christine T recently posted..Lasagna Rolls
Edra Mccowen - It is not meaningful.
SlapDashMom - What is not meaningful?
Nickhole - I am athiest and it took me 25yrs and a whole lot of horrible crap happening to me for me to realize that is what I am….I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD…I just don’t….no real rhyme or reason to it, I just don’t. I wasn’t raised in a religious household, we never went to church…my dad has read the bible and believes in god…he may even pray. I’m not sure….him and I don’t talk about religion because he is always telling me I am wrong and I constantly tell him that the bible is fiction…My mom believes in SOMETHING, she just doesn’t know what and he she goes to church occasionally and she prays.
I came out to my parents when I was 14 or so…and they both accepted me…my mom especially, she knew before I did. My dad on the other hand, while telling me he accepted me, he also told me, in the same breath, that it was disgusting and he never wanted it in his house.
My stepmom feels the same way my dad does, and she has taught my 12yo sister to think the same way, and that hurts, because this is me and this is how I am, and it doesn’t change anything, I’m not any different now, than I was before she found out, which was in about Nov, I would say. I don’t agree with teaching kids hate…or anything of the sort…
In my opinion, there is no color, there is no gender and there is no sexuality…everyone is just a person…plain and simple…that’s all there is to it.
BTW, you know I love you and this post…
Freakin Fabulous Friday Finds 3/30 - SlapDashMom.com - [...] Bible Verses, Quotes, Stories, and Songs, which inspired my most popular post this week: My Journey Away from God Look what I found this week! slapdashmom.com/freakin-fabulo… [...]
Faith (my real name... not being a smart a**) - To be honest I wasn’t sure how to respond to your post. Part of me aches for the pain and the struggles you have faced, you must have felt so alone. I am sorry that you were shown hate and had to face judgmental Christians. In so angers me when I hear that. I have a really hard time with hypocrites.
Romans 2:1-3 “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?”
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Personally, I have found such comfort and strength in God. I would not be here if it weren’t for his abundant grace. I wish everyone could experience what I have.
Every person has free will and the ability to choose their path. Thank you for being so open and so brave to be willing to share you path. Wishing you all the best.
-Faith
SlapDashMom - Thank you for stopping by, Faith. :) I appreciate it.
Would You Follow a Satanist's Blog? - SlapDashMom.com - [...] make it no secret that I’m no longer a Christian (see my “Coming Out” and “Journey Away from God” posts for reference), but I haven’t talked much about my actual choice of religion (or lack [...]