Last year's post was easier to write. They say it gets easier every year. Whoever “they” is, well “they” were wrong. Last year, I basically just wrote a shortened version of my
surrogacy adoption.. oh I don't know what to call it. My story. I wrote about it. There.
I promised myself I'd write a post every year until I was reunited with Ling again, so here goes nothing. It's mostly rambling, lots of crying, lots of anger, and most importantly… lots of love.
Happy 5th Birthday to a Daughter I Wish I Knew
I don't want to start this off on a negative note, but really, I have to figure out how to let go of the hate in my heart. The hate for Joe for not wanting Ling, the hate for Susan for lying to me. She couldn't keep the one damn promise she made to me. I (unwillingly) gave her a
f*cking child, and she can't keep one f*cking promise. It blows my F*CKING MIND. But, I know holding onto hate is not healthy for me. It won't allow me to heal if I keep hating her. I don't only hate her. I have love for her, too, but only because I know she is an amazing mom to Ling. I know she waited her entire life for her. I know she appreciates and loves and adores her – which is why it makes me hate her even more than she can't send me a damn photo a few times a year (or even once a year at this point, I'm not picky) and let me know how Ling is doing. What kind of person does that?
I struggle when I talk to people about this, because if I say I was a surrogate, their response is “Oh my gosh that's sooooo neat! How did you do it? Oh my gosh I couldn't. I'd get too attached. I'm so proud of you. What a selfless thing to do!”
If I say I'm a birthmom, I get that look. Oh you know the look. The one where their minds are like, “Why? Were you on drugs? Were you a hooker? Are you still on drugs? How can you give your child away? What kind of person are you?”
It's a lose-lose situation. I want to scream “MY BABY WAS STOLEN FROM ME AND THE
JUSTICE SYSTEM IS A JOKE”.
If I try to tell them what really happened, there are a million questions and I want to cry because I miss Ling and I don't want to talk about it at that point. But I don't want to never mention her, either. She's still a part of my life even though Susan has robbed me of knowing anything about her life.
I know I shouldn't have so much anger and hostility towards Susan, but it just hurts, ya know? You have a baby for someone and they throw you out like yesterday's trash after promising you the world. She knew I didn't want to give her up for adoption. She knew I fought it as much as I could. But she also knew that I loved and cared about her (Susan), and that I knew it was best for Ling. Considering the other alternative was going with Joe, and possibly being harmed or adopted out to complete strangers, I thought Susan was the safer bet. I truly believed in my heart that Ling was made for Susan, and Susan for Ling.
Anyway, enough of the negative. The positive is here, it's just overshadowed sometimes when I'm writing about it. I have three beautiful little girls that get me through this every day. They love me, hug me, and stress me out just enough, to the point where I know this is how my life is supposed to be. Susan's life is fulfilled by Ling, and mine is fulfilled by Nell, Grace, and Saff. I still have a void.. I still have a hole in my heart.. I still have a longing to hug and hold her, but they make it easier. If it weren't for them, I doubt I'd be here.
I realize this entire post makes me sound whiny and selfish. It's not all about me. I get it. But, once a year I let my real feelings out and I do whine a bit. I'm allowing myself that much.
I wish I knew my fourth daughter, and it angers me to no end that someone would do what Susan has done to me. But at the end of the day, eventually I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on from it. I am vowing to let go of the anger. I'm willing it away. I'm wishing it away. I'm banishing it to a dark place that it can never escape from. I will no longer allow my anger to overshadow the joy that Ling has brought the world, or the joy that my other three girls bring me every. single. day.
8 months pregnant with Ling – Gracelynn on my lap
One of the last photos Susan sent me of Ling. She was 2.
Nell is convinced that Ling likes Hello Kitty, so she wore a t-shirt for her today.
All three girls. Growing up without Ling.
I'm going to finish it out with an actual letter to Ling. Some day I hope she sees it.
Josephine (You'll always be Ling to me),
Happy birthday! Today you are FIVE years old. I cannot believe how time flies! It seems like just yesterday you were in my tummy, and then off to New York with your mommy. I was so sad to see you go, but I know you are happy and your Mom loves you so much.
I think about you every single day, even though you have no idea who I am. Your sisters talk about you all the time, and we even make a cupcake for your birthday every year. We wonder if you like princesses (like your sister, Grace), or the Ninja Turtles (like your sister, Sapphire). Nell wonders if you will like to bake, like she does.
I hope you have a very special day, and I can't wait to see you again some day.
Hugs and Love forever,
Mom.. Birth Mom.. Sadie