Ah. This has been a long time coming. On my last blog, I wrote about my surrogacy/adoption journey quite a bit – but on this one I just haven’t gotten around to it. I’ve mentioned Ling here and there on my fan page, and those that know me know who I’m talking about. Others have just been in the dark. Even when they’ve asked, I have just ignored the questions. I’m working on a book, so I thought “I’ll just write the book and let them read it, then I won’t have to answer the hard questions” – but the book writing has come to a halt because it’s just too hard right now. I guess I feel like I owe it to you guys to open up a bit. This is the very short, condensed version of my story, so I hope it still makes sense.
I was working for a surrogacy agency back in 2007 when I was approached by the owner to be a surrogate myself. I had tried to be a surrogate before, but everything always fell through, so I had pretty much given up on the idea. When she asked me to be a surrogate for J, I looked over his profile and wasn’t really sure about doing it but she reassured me: “he’s an amazing man, he wants a baby more than anything, he will make a great father”. After a little debate, I agreed to do it. I flew out to Oregon, did the insemination, and got pregnant. Yes, I used my egg. I was a traditional surrogate.
I got pregnant and everything went well. While there were red flags here and there, I ignored them because there wasn’t anything I could do. By “red flags”, I mean J had me do a “baking soda wash” before insemination to increase the chances of him having a boy. J kept calling the baby a boy, saying his family wanted a boy, talking boy boy boy boy boy all the time. I thought that was normal – when I was pregnant, I wanted girls. Later, I found out it wasn’t just innocent “wanting” a boy. I called the baby “Ling” because he didn’t have a name chosen yet, and “baby” was so impersonal.
Then, shit got real. Real fast.
At 5 months pregnant, I had an ultrasound and found out I was pregnant with a girl. I was so excited to tell him that she was healthy! When I called and gave him the news, he said “Oh” and then said he had to go. Previously, we talked on the phone at least a couple of times a week for long periods of time. This phone call was odd.
Over the next few days, things unfolded quickly. The agency owner told me J didn’t want the baby. He wanted me to keep his baby because his family would “not approve of him having a girl”. I didn’t understand, I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was a single mom of 3, I couldn’t take care of ANOTHER baby! I called J. I was begging him to talk to me – he wouldn’t answer his phone. I left messages, telling him if he was scared that he shouldn’t be… I could help him with any girl advice he needed… I had three of them already. He never answered my phone calls. The agency owner said he didn’t want to talk to me. He was mad at me for being pregnant with a girl.
I let all of this information process, and then realized I was going to be a mom – again! :) I was really nervous, and fairly broke, but I had done this before (three times over!) so why couldn’t I do it again? Ling was coming home with us. I started buying baby items, and carving out a spot in our small home for a nursery. I told my children the news – they were confused because, from the get-go, I told them Ling wasn’t our baby. Now she was. They were so excited! I started thinking about names…
I got a call a few weeks later from the agency owner saying J changed his mind and was going to keep Ling. No. Wait. What? Legally, he could keep her. I was a contracted surrogate, he had paid me (though he stopped when he said he didn’t want her), I signed papers… Ling was his, no matter what. After further discussion, the agency owner and I got pretty scared. He didn’t want a girl. His family wouldn’t approve. What exactly was he going to do with her? I found out he was going to give her up for adoption.
You can’t give my baby up for adoption! You said she was MINE… you said I had to take her… she’s been in MY body for 7 months. You. Can’t. Do. This.
I called a lawyer.
Well, I had to call about 40 or 50 of them because nobody wanted to touch my case with a 100 foot pole. I found a lawyer a few hours away that said she would help me. I didn’t have enough money to pay her much, but she said not to worry about it. She was an adoption lawyer but had dealt with surrogacy before. My lawyer discussed things with his lawyer, and she told me he refused to let me have her and I would definitely lose a case in court. Best case scenario was that I choose the adoptive family so I know that she would be safe. She said there were open adoptions, where I’d get updates on Ling. She said it’d be like an extended family relationship – my girls would still get to see pictures and I’d still get to watch her grow up.
She lied.
Well, I guess my lawyer didn’t really lie. The adoptive mother I chose for Ling lied. She was great at first (aren’t they all?). We “bonded” (I guess that’s part of the facade) while I was pregnant, we spent a lot of time together – she flew in from New York and took me shopping (that’s called grooming, I believe). She promised to always send photos, letters… oh my she promised me the world. I gave birth to Ling and she was quickly taken away by S (adoptive mom). I still had my rights, though, so she had to tread carefully. I requested they bring Ling to my room. They had the nurse do so. S and I had been friends… we had bonded… and now she was acting like a stranger.
I don’t know how I had the strength to leave the hospital without my baby. I really don’t. If I didn’t have my 3 girls, I wouldn’t have made it. They’re the only thing I had to live for at that point. I was beyond heart broken. I couldn’t even walk – they had to put me in a wheelchair because I thought I was going to pass out from crying so hard. Yet S walked out with Ling, smiling.
The next day, I was in a court room signing over my rights. I asked if I could hold Ling. S didn’t want to let me, but she did. I still had my rights, she didn’t want to screw anything up…
As soon as the papers were signed, she was gone. She emailed me a few times over the course of the first few years – only after I begged her to send a photo or two. She gave me updates a few times and it was great. Unfortunately, S then changed her email address and I’ve lost all contact with her. I haven’t heard from her in a while, I don’t even know how long, and I’m devastated. I love Ling so much. It was incredibly hard to walk away from her, but I had to. And instead of S following through with her promises, she’s broken them all.
I’m thankful for the photos I do have of Ling. I will never forget her. Her birthday was yesterday, and I survived another year without her. I don’t know how. My heart aches for her, but my girls help me get through it.
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.png)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.png)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.png)
.png)
by SlapDashMom
Julie O'Brien - This is so sad, it made me cry. My heart aches for your loss….I know you two will be connected always , mother and child. *hugs
sarah sinkus - aww im so sorry i have haerd your story on cafe mom before. i hate what they did to you as you were trying to be so nice hang in there
AlannaB - Thank you so much or sharing, I do not know if I could have had the strength to write this post if I was in your situation.
I only hope that this beautiful little girl is experiencing the love that you could have given her and that someday that she will know how much you love her.
Melody - I cannot even imagine, Sadie! I have heard the story before, but each time I hear it, my heart breaks again! I hope that, in time, S will figure out how much she’s hurting you, and continues with the pictures and letters, but I also know that’s a lot to ask for, and probably wishful thinking. :(
Melody recently posted..We Will Never Forget!
jessica warrick - I feel so sad for you. I too adopted out a child but i see him when ever i want to. I know it has to be hard on you and your girls. This lady lied to you and there has to be something that you can do about it. Was there a contract for the open adoption if so she is breaking that. Never give up hope.
jessica warrick recently posted..Super duper ooper excited
Kristin Gilbert - Wow your story is incredible! You could write a book or even better a movie. I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful baby girl! I hope you reconnect someday. I have chills and your story won’t leave me any time soon.
SlapDashMom - Unfortunately, open adoptions are not enforceable. Adoptive parents lie all the time to get the child they want, and then they back out and you never hear from them again. There are lots of great adoptive parents out there, though, so I guess for the sake of fairness it all evens out in the end. Doesn’t make it any easier for me, but it’s good to know there are honest ones out there.
Rachel S - What a terrible situation all around :(
Shame on the donor for creating the situation in the first place.
I got pregnant when I was 17, and the father pushed and pushed for me to do an adoption, and I backed out at the hospital. I was terrified that they wouldn’t follow through with all the promises they made, and I never really wanted to do it in the first place. I felt terrible for the couple I had chosen and built up this relationship with, they refused to let me apologize and explain my situation to them after the fact and I felt horrible. I can’t imagine my life without my daughter whose now 11.
There are “contracts” for open adoption, but honestly they don’t mean much. You legally sign your rights over, it’s more of a good faith thing.
I’m just shocked that being as you carried this child, and it was your egg, you really had no course of action as to keep her. There should be laws in place to protect women in the case of things like this happening.
You should work to get a bill of some sort passed maybe?
Nikki - Wow, that was a heart-wrenching story. :( I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t understand why you weren’t allowed to keep Ling if the other party backed out. Biologically, she is yours. He backed out of the deal. He sounds like a real monster.
Diane @ Philzendia - Wow Sadie. i can’t imagine what you are going through. Ling is beautiful!
Diane @ Philzendia recently posted..Enjoy Scrumptious Food at Hershey Farm Restaurant In Lancaster County
Katie Hale - As I said in my private message to you earlier this week – you are inspirational! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Yes, I am crying here – I am crying because I cannot imagine letting go of either of my children and not being able to even see pictures of them. You are an amazingly strong woman and you deserve a world of peace and happiness. (((HUGS)))
Sarah Nolan - Reading this made me want to PM you and ask for that witches name so I can track her ass down. That’s so messed up, of both S and J. Would it have been hard to raise another child when you had 3 already? Absolutely. But in the couple of years I’ve e-known you, you could have done it and done it well. You are one of the strongest people I’ve ever met and I’m proud to call you an e-friend.
Sarah Nolan recently posted..Remembering 9/11
Lindsey - My heart is broken for you. You are such a strong women for being able to handle this so well. Your children are blessed and lucky to have you in their lives.
Lindsey recently posted..Unending Devotion Book Review & Giveaway
Stacy - What a heart wrenching story, I’m so sad for everything that you’ve been through. I agree with who said shame on J for creating this situation in the first place! I don’t know anything about surrogacy laws but I am familiar with custody issues and usually genetics play a strong factor and birth parents are usually given every opportunity to have the child. I’ve seen real life instances where an adoption falls through at the last minute because even though everything had been signed the birth mom changes her mind. I wish that was the case for you. I will keep you and Ling in my prayers.
Stacy recently posted..Quit Trying to Be a Super Hero – I have
Cynthia Brooks - Your baby is so beautiful. When your egg is involved to make a precious baby, I believe they should make the law to include the bio parents right from the start so that should have included bio dad and you. So sorry that your contractual agreement nullified your rights. You couldn’t have forseen what happened was going to happen. I also feel sad for babies who would love to bond with the momma who carried them, has milk for them, and knows that mommas voice. Adoption/surrogacy can help some babies/ parents unable to make babies but at some point we have to wonder if we should just leave things to happen naturally whether they will or won’t happen naturally as well so as to avoid these painful broken bonds. But I don’t honestly know?. I’m just sad something like what you experienced can happen. Thanks for getting your story out there, if not for yourself, but to enlighten others as well.
AJ - Oh my gosh! I am heart broken for you. I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to have to go thru! I can’t even believe this happened to you. You are so amazing and strong to share this. I wish that things had happened differently for you. I cant imagine being basically forced to give up my child. :(
Becca - Rip my heart out. I’m so sorry. What a terrible situation all around. Hopefully that beautiful girl is happy and healthy.
Jamie - My heat aches for you Sadie. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers today.
Jamie recently posted..FREE T-shirt!
christine k - I’m so, so sorry. *HUGS*
christine k recently posted..Sneak-entry!
Kallie Greenly - Oh my, Sadie. Ling is so beautiful. She looks like a doll.
I think you’ll see her again one day. She’ll come looking for you and you’ll be able to show her all of these heartbreaking accounts of how much you miss have missed her.
Stay strong. She’ll be 18 before you know it.
Kallie Greenly recently posted..K5 Learning
Tracy - I am so sad for you. I can’t even imagine what kind of pain you go through knowing you had to give up a baby like that. (((hugs)))
April Wray - WOW!! I am soooo sorry. I can only imagine your pain.. She is a beautiful little girl.
mechele johnson - Keep your story out there so that someday Ling can see your side of it. I can’t imagine….you poor dear thing. There is nothing as strong as the bond between a mother and her daughter…You will defineately find each other again!
Tara - Oh Sadie :( Ling is so beautiful! I can’t imagine how you felt then or feel now. I am so sorry & like Kallie said, you will see her again one day. She’ll know how much she is loved & how you fought for her. <3
Tara recently posted..Campus Book Rentals
Pat S - I am so very sorry. My heart aches for you and your baby girl. {{{hugs}}}
Miesha L - I’m so sorry this happened to you. :(
SticksnStones - Heart breaking. Happy Birthday, Ling!
Sherri - My heart breaks for you..my husband and i have tried to have a baby for over 10 yrs now and we have done ivf procedures and 3 failed adoptions where the birth parents change there mind, our last adoption attempt the parents changed there mind the day “kat’ was born and i recently found out that the parents got hooked on drugs and the grandma has temporary custody of baby kat now 3 yrs old …makes me mad though, if the parents would have kept there promise (knowing they have given every other child they have had up for adoption) kat would had a loving stable home with parents who love her..im greatful her 70 yr old grandmother has taken her in and is making sure she is happy and healthy.after several let downs and being on the emotional rollercoaster ,we finally said we are done if this is meant to happen it will all on its own , that we weren’t going to look for it and go thru any more heart breaks..i still very much want the baby ive not been able to have to date and i don’t think they will ever go away , however i have accepted that it may never happen and its ok..i at least am not completly childless i do have a stepdaughter thats 21 and now a 18mth old granddaughter..i think there should be specfic laws in regards to adoptions etc..i understand a mother may change her mind after giving birth , and i understand that …i praise the ones that can actually give the baby up for adoption because it is a very hard choice to hand over your child …keep the faith sadie that baby ling will someday come find you and i know in my heart she will.
cathy stech - Sadie, My heart breaks for you and your family. My wish for you is someday maybe Ling will find you, and may Karma find S & J! HUGS~
Bill Myers - Hi, Sadie. Been a while. Crazy busy. You know how it is.
I was adopted but it was through an agency sponsored by the Catholic church (which is ironic considering that today I’m about as NOT Catholic as you can get, but it’s not like they owned me). My bio parents were two college students and I’m pretty sure I was an “oops.” My guess is they realized they weren’t in a position to take care of me and made the decision to give me up for adoption. It probably wasn’t an easy choice, but I’d like to think they made it for the right reasons.
My adoption was a closed adoption. My bio parents would have been told that up front. Once I was placed with the agency, my parents, who were on a waiting list, were informed that I was ready for placement. My parents had been screened out the wazoo, and after I was placed with them at the age of two months, a social worker from the agency made follow-up visits, usually unannounced.
I can’t imagine what it must have been like to give up a child under the difficult circumstances you faced. I cringe to hear about how unethical people can be in pursuit of having a child of their own. I don’t have any children and neither does my girlfriend but she’s worked for social services in the county where we live for about 20 years. One of the things she told me is that many would-be parents want a child so that that child can fill their needs. Which is the exact opposite of how it should work. If you want to be a parent, you have to be prepared to sacrifice for a good long time. Parents are their to fulfill their childrens’ needs, not the other way around.
I hope that despite the bad faith shown by Ling’s adoptive mother that having Ling changed her. I hope she is doing right by Ling, as you would have had you kept her.
I realize this must be a heart-breaking situation for you. You’re very brave to write about it. If I may offer an opinion, I think it is an object lesson in why some people shouldn’t have children. If you insist that you must have a child of a specific gender, race or ethnicity, perhaps you shouldn’t be a parent. If you can’t be honest and ethical when adopting a child, what kind of example will you set for that child as he or she grows up?
Again, I hope Ling’s adoptive mother has grown as a person and that Ling is having the best life possible. I’ve seen photos of you with your daughters, and they look very happy.
Dani Sue - Geez…some people really are just pieces of shit! I sure hope J still doesn’t have any children! What kind of life would that be even for a boy…in such a rigid, ultra traditional family? And even though S is a lying beeotch…I hope she is still a loving mother to Ling. Since it was an open adoption, Ling will be able to reach out to you when she’s old enough…so there is hope for the future. You’re such an inspiration to me.
Dani Sue recently posted..Noxicare Review & Giveaway – Ends 10/15
SlapDashMom - Thank you, Dani. I hope she is able to reach out to me when she’s older. :)
Sarh S - Oh my! Where is my tissue?! So sorry you went through this, but it makes you even stronger! And you might not notice, but I bet it makes your bond and relationship with your three beautiful girls that much tighter! Thank you for sharing with us!!
Sarh S recently posted..GreeN MaM-a JaM-a: Celebrate Pregnancy Giveaway! Win over $200 in prizes!! US 10/16
Melissa S - heartbreaking
Alanna - Holy crap. I am so sorry… If I were you though I would not be protecting the identity of these jerks… I would be making their names as well known as possible so they couldn’t do this to anyone else… But maybe you can’t say who it is, for legal reasons? I wouldn’t know… Or maybe your a better person to me and don’t want to totally ruin their lives? That one seems pretty likely.
Tasha Madix - I would be looking for a P.I to look for her just to make sure that she is being treated right. If she is NOT being treated right then maybe you can petition the court for the adoption to be overturned. I also would NOT be hiding their names. I hope that he has NOT done this to other women.
anna - It’s heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry. You’re always thinking of her, and love her. I do hope Ling will search for you when she’s older.
Sarah - Such a heartbreaking story. The end really broke my heart. :( I hope you get to see/hold Ling again! and I am sure you will. Stay strong! :)
karen greenwood - What a heartbreaking story. Just believe that when she gets older she’ll come look for you. Your courage is amazing.
Amy S - Wow, I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. Being adopted myself, I can relate a little to your story. I hope that Ling grows up knowing that she is adopted and that when she is old enough, will want to find you. My heart goes out to you. Good luck and smother your other girls with all that love you have! (I’m sure you already do!)
Crystal Evans - I am so sorry you went through something like this. I had something similar happen, only mine was family.. My parents pretty much stole my child, and now that he is old enough to figure it out or to know, they refuse to tell him. I hope one day you get to see Ling again!
Crystal Evans recently posted..Little Tikes Cook ‘n Grow Kitchen Giveaway
T - I am an adoptive parent and have an open adoption with dd’s birth family. Yes, there are adoptive parents that lie I’m sure, just as their are birth parents who lie about doing drugs during pregnancy or their medical history, but not all are like this. None that I personally know are like this. I’ve heard of adoptive parents stopping contact due to the contact hurting the child or being unsafe in someway. I wish for more contact with dd’s birth family especially her siblings but there is little interest in it. If I did not push it, there would be no contact.
Gigi - I have faith that, when she is older and able, she will look for you. I am 45 and have been looking for my birth Father for the past 25 years. I think when you don’t know where you came from, you always walk around with a little hole in your heart – no matter how great of an upbringing you may have had. I would just make sure your contact/info is out there – she will find you and thank you for bringing her into this world and loving her.
SlapDashMom - Thank you Gigi… I hope you find your birth father. <3
Sharon Vermont - This story breaks my heart…………….
trish - Sadie, Have faith that she will come and find you someday, I believe she will. Your story touched me, thank you so much for sharing. What a beautiful baby she is…..hang in there. God Bless you!
misty farmer - WOW that was real hard to read! What a strong woman u r!!
Krista H - WOW thats a heart breaking story..I know the feeling u have..And glad u can get the strength and love from ure girls to pull u through..May God Bless You
fashionbug - I am just in shock after reading your story, I mean, you walk around thinking you have problem’s until you read things like this…Really puts things into perspective!! I don’t know you but I do know this should have never happened, as far as that goes, it should have never been allowed to happen! If that crazy man “j”( who should be on meds instead of out here trying to have a baby) didn’t want Ling then you should have been giving the opportunity to keep her…That in itself is just screwed up..The fact that he has more rights than you do….The actual mother!! I mean that is CRAZY!! Then after that you have the unfortunate meeting with ” S ” and she turns out to be an incredible ass!!! I am very sorry that this happened to you but I have no doubt that you will see Ling again and the one she will have questions for and be mad at is the very one who has raised her. I will keep you and Ling in my prayers and you are a very strong woman, I think telling your story and getting it out there will bring awareness to these issues and possibly keep it from happening to someone else! Keep your head up and know that you are a wonderful person and Karma is a bitch!!
Toni Cosgrove - Hugz to you..no words will make this better and we both know it…I pray you do write your book and soon to help any other Mom from being hurt like you..sp others can know what to look for. Hopefully she was just afraid you would take the baby away, and that she is loving her and taking great care of her. Life just isnt right sometimes.
chelesa sims - My heart cries for you. I competely admire your strength to be to endore such a experience that i could never do. Stay strong ! Iam sure she will (ling) come looking for you because you are and always will be her mommy not matter who raising her. I will kept you and ling in my prayers.
Ben - I’m so, so appalled. How cruel people can be.
Tammy Dalton - You are an incredibly strong person and I really admire you for that!! It breaks my heart that 2 people can be so cruel to you and think nothing of it when you were giving him, then her an incredible gift!! It’s a shame you weren’t able to keep her, but I pray that some day Ling will find you and you will have the chance to get to know her like you should be now!!
God Bless!!
Amanda Blue - This story makes me cry. :(
Why I Could Never Be a Celebrity - Slap Dash Mom - [...] [...]
Origami Owl is Another Addiction Waiting to Happen - [...] all that I’m about. It not only displays the birth charms of all of my children (yes, even Ling), it also tells you about my love for cupcakes, my dog, my computer, Sign Language, and even a [...]