It's days like today that I wish I was still a Christian. I wish I still believed in the all powerful God and believed that he could fix anything if we just had enough faith.
I wish I believed that her pain would go away, because we were praying about it and there's no way that this much suffering is “God's will”.
I wish I could lay my head on my pillow at night and pray, and feel relieved knowing he would fix it. Cling tight to my Bible and look up my favorite verses and pretend it'll all be better because the story says so.
But I can't, and it pisses me off.
When I was a Christian, it was so much easier to have faith that things would get better. They always do, with or without faith, but there was something about living inside that fantasy bubble that I loved. They say faith is difficult but it's not… it's easier. I don't usually miss it.
But today I do.
I was eating dinner when I heard “MOM!” and ran upstairs. At first I just thought she wanted to show me something, something silly that I'd get annoyed at and sigh, “Sapphire… I'm eating… why are you showing me your toenail?” but I wasn't that lucky. She was hunched over, almost in a ball, on the side of the tub. She said she couldn't see and she was dizzy. Again.
I had Grace run to get her vertigo meds and CBD oil to put under her tongue. I knew that, if nothing else, the combination would relax her enough to fall asleep. I had to help her dry off and get to her bed. She couldn't walk by herself, and was in tears. She's been dealing with debilitating migraines since preschool and rarely cries over them, so when she cries I know it's bad.
In that moment, if I was the type to pray, I could've prayed for relief and would've believed it was coming. But for her, it never comes. It's day after day of bullshit and medications and hospital visits and pain and crying and missing school and and and…
Today I wish I had more faith of some sort. Faith that it'd get better. Faith that someone, anyone could fix it. Faith that she wouldn't have to keep taking a gazillion medications and still feel like shit. No faith in God and no faith in the medical system.